I've been contemplating for a while as to whether I should blog about my miscarriage experience. It was a painful experience that nobody would like to go through, and unfortunately, studies show that 10%-15% of miscarriages happen during the first trimester.
I've decided to blog about it as I want my dear child to be remembered always and be part of our memories in this blog.
"My dear child, wherever you are right now, I believe we will meet each other again."
So let me begin...
It was in Aug 2010 that we found out that I was pregnant again. The emotions were different compared to us having found out about my pregnancy with Aden. With "Image", Hubb and I were worried, unprepared but of course there was still a little sense of joy. Soon, we made an appointment with Dr G. Tan and had the confirmation about the pregnancy.
This is "Image".
p.s. if I'm not mistaken, "Image" was made in Europe. :p
Anyway, we were not quite ready for another child because Aden was not even one year old, couldn't walk on his own and still require us to carry! And both of us were not mentally prepared for another one due to many other factors like finances, work, and desired lifestyle.
Nevertheless, what's done cannot be undone. No matter how unprepared we were, we had to be responsible to our child.
During the first appointment with Dr Tan, everything went on as normal as when I had Aden except that I clearly remember her telling me that I have to be very careful during the first trimester as miscarriages happen. Her words left a deep impression in me but I didn't give much thought about it until later on.
After the first appointment with Dr Tan, I started taking folic acid daily. However, as the days go by, I began to feel uneasy. Call it the mother's instinct. Words cannot describe the kind of uneasiness I had. There were a few night I even woke up with nightmares and weird dreams. However, I didn't thought that I would suffer a miscarriage as I am young and healthy.
On that faithful 9 Sept 2010, Hubb and I went for the second appointment at Dr Tan's clinic. The ultrasound scan revealed that my baby's heart had stopped beating and the size of the fetus showed that it grew 'til about 8 weeks old. By then, I was supposed to be in the 9th week of pregnancy.
I was devastated and heartbroken. I lost my child 1 week ago without even realizing. What kind of mother am I. I could not control my emotion and I kept crying. Dr Tan suggested that I should do the 'dilation and curettage' (D&C) procedure ASAP to clean up the womb else the body will discharge "it" as a foreign tissue and I will go into extreme pain like menstrual cramp.
We fixed the appointment on 11 Sept 2010, Saturday. I can never forget that faithful day when I went into TMC with a heavy heart. I felt like I was going for an abortion except the fact that my child is no longer alive inside me.
It was a terrible wait at TMC. Thankfully Hubb accompanied me throughout the ordeal. I don't remember how long we waited but it seemed forever. I was then pushed to the OT alone and laid outside with more waiting. I couldn't help but sob quietly and I felt really terrible. I dislike waiting. Part of me wanted the procedure to be done quickly, yet at the same time, I couldn't bear to part with my baby. The OT was filled with tears of joy and sadness. The joy came from the cries of the newborns who were born via caesarean and the daddies and mommies. I was the sadness.
After a long wait, I was pushed into the OT. That was my first time in a OT, well, I'm not sure if it would be my last. It looked scary though. I was greeted by Dr Tan who told me not to worry and that it will be over soon and the anesthetist told me that the injection will be a little painful like ant's bite. Before I knew it, I was in "coma" and woke up when the procedure was done. I didn't feel any pain at all except extreme fatigue. I guess it must be the anesthetic and my broken heart.
Hubb was waiting for me patiently and the moment I saw him, I broke down again. We stayed a little while as the nurse said that I had to rest. I'm really thankful for a very supportive husband.
We then went to pick Aden from my grandma's place and made our way home. Everything went on as usual and I tried not to think about it. However, it was easier said than done. Soon, I sank into depression. I couldn't sleep at night and kept crying. I blamed myself for not taking care of my body and caused this to happen. In short, I was living in denial.
Thankfully, this painful ordeal didn't last long. I had a lot of supports from Hubb and my dear Mom and little Aden. Though he was young, Aden seemed to know something was amiss. Whenever he saw me crying, he would call upon me in his sweetest voice and gave me a big bear hug.
Also, surprisingly, I discovered that I was not the only one who went through this. Some of my friends who are mommies now began to share with me their personal experiences as well. I was not alone.
It may be a blessing in disguise.
To our Image,
"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."
With Love
